Survivor's Remorse

I have been waiting for these moments and opportunities for a long time. And when things finally begin to unfold and take shape I begin to worry about whether I’m worthy or if I deserve to be where I am. Forget all the prayer, time and effort that I have put into this journey. It is slightly overwhelming when life begins to move in your favor. And yes there is a measure of grace to getting to this point. I do the work but God definitely sprinkles it with His “magic” and boom. And to be honest none of us ever fully deserves God’s goodness but when He provides it, our best response is to show up and get it done.

Cardigan and Skirt: Marshalls

I think what really gets me through these moments is the fact that my confidence does not come from me. I am confident in what God has placed inside of me. If I was to rely on myself alone I wouldn’t go far because I know how human and flawed I am. I know that past mistakes have been made. God-confidence helps me not to focus on where I fall short but instead, it helps me to focus on how far I have come. Trust me when opportunities that you have been praying for some to fruition you don’t always feel as good as you dream that you are. I know God laughs at me because I am always like, yes Lord I’m ready and then the moment comes and I’m like okay is this really for me. I know what I said God but are you sure about this, haha!

I’ve realized that we can really get accustomed to waiting and so it becomes our safe place. You really don’t have to show how great you are in the waiting season, you’re basically pressing, surviving and waiting. But oh when the wait is over, the realization that you are walking in the manifestation of your prayers and God’s goodness is a bit jarring. I definitely have had to stop and process it all so that I don’t talk myself out of my blessing. Like…get it together Cree this is exactly what you wanted, time to rock it out. It’s crazy how we allow ourselves to get so used to disappointment. Don’t get me wrong I am ecstatic about how things are unfolding at this moment in my life but it feels a little strange. And I don’t want you to think that you are alone for all of you out there who feel like me. We often brace for disappointment but not for the opposite. We train ourselves to be ready to be let down. I have recognized this about myself and am working on accepting and making room for good and blessings into my life.  

I am humbled that God chose me for this and thought enough of me to provide me with the myriad of opportunities in my life that have culminated at this moment. And I open my heart to receiving that there will be other great moments as well. We are just getting started. So like I said before if you are anything like me and have survived some tough moments that God has allowed you to overcome, the same bravery it took to survive use that bravery to thrive.

With Love,

Cree