I Used to Know Her

I have kept a journal/diary since I was a teenager and recently I read over some of my entries as a college student and I realized how much more grace I have for the younger version of myself. I have often looked back over that time and could only see my mistakes while overlooking the human that had made them. I realized I was being so hard on myself. In those words I am now able to see innocence and naiveté. I judged her so harshly without realizing how much she did not know. She was doing the best she could with what she had to work with and I am proud of her. Because that young woman took those experiences, learned from them and became me.

Blouse & Shorts: Old Shoes: Silly Little Habit

If I could speak to my younger self I would say girl you made it. You became everything you wanted to become and then some. God took all of that anguish and pain and turned it into a diamond. You’re going to finally overcome and walk away from that toxic relationship. You’re going to face and heal those broken parts of you. You’re going to learn and embrace your value. You’re going to learn that you are stronger than you think you are. You’re going to understand that every step in your journey was worth it.

That’s the beauty of finding a way to document our lives in writing. Even though I was a little rough around the edges, I was still becoming. A lot of what makes me who I am today are the decisions she made. The times she chose to be brave and to keep going despite the odds stacked against her. I write this not to expound upon the benefits of journaling but to help you see a different version of yourself. Many of us are stuck in limbo because we haven’t forgiven ourselves for past mistakes. We haven’t allowed ourselves to go back and put you back in her shoes and see things from her point of view. We have to remember that we survived and somehow that young woman found a way to make it and become you. Of course we would and should be making different decisions given the information we now have. But give her a break she made it despite not having a clear view of her future.

I hope we all take a moment and tell her thank you and to forgive her. Thank you for surviving and for not giving up. And I forgive you for not knowing and for making that wrong turn, you were doing the best with what you had to work with. Sometimes we have to look back in order to take a step forward. Don’t let your refusal to forgive yourself keep you from living out your purpose and experiencing life at its best. Often times its not others that you need to forgive but yourself. My ability to look back and connect with that moment in my life, touched and healed a part of me, that I didn’t even know needed healing. I am now able to look beyond my mistakes and see the best parts of me, the best parts of me that I will forever keep close to my heart.

With Love,

Cree